I knew it was getting bad when I couldn’t stop listening to The Smiths. I needed to fade away into “Asleep” and “Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want” constantly. As soon as I’d finish one album, I’d move on to the next and repeat the process as many times as it took to fill the day. Then days. Then a week. Then another week, and still the only music I craved was Morrissey telling me how heartbreaking life is over and over.
Since I started listening to them, The Smiths have always been the music I turn to when life feels like a big black hole that’s swallowing me (is that #basicwhitegirl enough for you?). Never a fan of 80s music, I had never been introduced to New Wave bands like The Smiths until college. (Thank you, Stephen Chbosky.) But once I found them? They were the soundtrack to the worst point of my anxiety-turned-depression in college. You don’t ever really forget that feeling once you’ve experienced it or the music that helped you get through it. If you’re lucky, you learn how to deal with anxiety and depression and how to tone it down when it starts so you don’t fade away completely. But I don’t think it ever really goes away – once it has gripped you, it’s always lurking at the fringes of life, waiting for you to fall.
And that’s where I’ve been since late July: allowing myself to ebb and flow through lots of bouts of anxiety, listlessly drifting through life not really sure where I’m headed.
I’ve been a little lost. [Read more…]